Irregular Books

A few years ago, when I learned that I was going to become a father for the first time, I told my family as soon as I could. My brother’s son was born just 8 months ago, and so he kindly sent me a box full of books on pregnancy and parenthood.

The problem with so many of the books he sent is that they were written solely for women. Their covers may say that they’re for expectant mothers and fathers, but then they go on to talk about the changes “your” body is going through. The authors presume that expectant fathers don’t need or want to know anything. That’s a terrible insult to fathers, and it’s untrue to boot.

I Wish Someone Had Told Me This Was A Postpartum Wallow Fest

The worst of these books was I Wish Someone Had Told Me. Like most of the others, this book is exclusively for mothers. The problem is that the author purports to give the lowdown on relationship issues as well as pregnancy and birth issues. To cover relationship issues only from a woman’s perspective (and only the individual perspective of the author at that) isn’t a helpful attitude. In fact, it’s an attitude that contributes to relationship problems instead of helping to solve them.

Apparently the author doesn’t respect her husband very much. She implies that men “almost universally” are inconsiderate, irresponsible and unskilled as partners and parents. She warns pregnant women that their male partners won’t understand, won’t help and will make being a new parent more difficult than it would otherwise be. Not once does she even ponder the possibility that she and other mothers might have any personal failings that could contribute to relationship problems. As far as she is concerned, it’s always the guy who gets it wrong.

Too Negative For Moms As Well

As you can probably guess, the chapter on relationship problems during and after pregnancy really got under my skin. Nonetheless, I felt guilty for feeling so offended at the writings of a woman who has obviously had to endure the influence of some very negative emotions. So, I asked my partner to read the book and tell me what she thought.

While taking a walk the next morning, she told me that she couldn’t stand the book either. “Honey,” she said, “that book is awful. It’s negative about everything. I don’t want to feel that way when I’m pregnant. I want to feel happy about this, and I want help and support, not whining from someone who can’t handle it.”

I couldn’t say it any better than that.

What I Wish Someone Would Tell The Author

Parenthood is not a fit state for wallowing in self-pity. I’m now the father of three children, and my wife and I have been through some rough times as parents and partners, but whining never made it better.

One thing I’ve learned as a parent is that it’s essential to make the conscious decision to see the positive in negative situations, and remain calm. Yes, dealing with children can be difficult, but more often than not the difficulty really lies in the limited patience of the parent, not in the child.

Having children is supposed to be challenging. After all, if children didn’t challenge us, they’d never achieve their freedom and attain adulthood.

Creating a child is difficult too - for mothers and fathers. Without a commitment to joyful submission by both parents to the new family experience, it’s just not going to work out. I expect that’s what really went wrong for the author.

My kids are beyond wonderful. They’re some of the best people I’ve ever known in my life, and I brag about them wherever I can go.

Forget what you wish someone had told you about being a parent. Parenthood isn’t about fairness or justice. It’s about taking wonder in the people you love.

You get tired. You get frustrated, sure. But then, you get a friend to help out for an afternoon, take a nap, wake up, give the kids a hug, and get back to picking the toys up off the floor and making that favorite snack for the 200th time.